The "Keep It..." Edition

Jun 23, 2024

Hi, Folks—

Hello, I’m back! Welcome, new followers and subscribers. I am sorry to have missed publishing last week’s edition. I have published now for almost 10 years(!) and I think I can count on less than the number of hands it takes to play a four-hand piano piece the number of weeks I’ve missed.

Compared to international travel, illness, spotty internet, and even the horrific tech issues from the Mailchimp era, the excuse last was not so pressing. I just couldn’t tear myself away from my excellent short-stay houseguests to put the newsletter together. All college friends; three out of four couples, in fact, met there. Though one pair then tested positive for Covid (dang it!) the rest of us had a too-fun, Big Chill-ish weekend, minus the corpse.

In other school news, I went K-12 to public schools in a wealthy town on the North Shore of Long Island. It was full of first-gen strivers, children of Eastern European immigrants, mostly Jewish, who moved there for proximity to Manhattan (“culture!”) and the school system (“ranked first in New York State!”)

In high school, a curious thing started to happen. In around 10th grade, we would come back from Christmas vacation or winter break and a few, then several, then many kids came back with a nose job. Sometimes there was a pro-active “I had to correct a deviated septum” explanation. Sometimes there was slightly more elaborate “I walked into a plate glass window and broke my nose and had to get it fixed” story. Usually, though, nothing. Just a girl and a few boys, over the years, who were unhappy with their Jewish noses who came back with a nose, 99% of which were courtesy of Dr. Diamond:

“The leading practitioner back then was Dr. Howard Diamond of Manhattan, renowned for standardizing what had been a hit-or-miss operation. ''Every girl on Long Island had a Diamond nose,'' said Dr. George J. Beraka, who said he can still pick them out on women now deep into middle-age,” The New York Times

These faces looked different. The question was always whether or not to say “OMG you look amazing!” (or some variant) or to say nothing. I’m not sure there was a right answer. Was it okay to say you looked “better” because you looked less…Jewish? or…just somehow agreeing you looked…more pretty?**

Now, decades later, I have a related etiquette question. The summer community I frequent is just that. A very seasonal place with a long off-season. So you don’t see most people for eight or more months. But now we’re back and wow, a lot of people, again predominantly women but also a few men, have shed a lot of weight.

My question for this group is whether you say something or nothing? Even just a “hi, you look great!” implies ‘thinner is better.’ We’re years into the age of body-positivity and anti-shaming, so wouldn’t it be weird to jump back on that train? But the person went out of their way to change their appearance from a weight perspective. Maybe they are proud and want to be noticed for it? What’s a summer community denizen to do?

A friend gave me somewhat sage advice which is— if a person’s new look—be it derived from Botox, Wegovy-ish products, implants, hair color, or anything else takes you by surprise, that means you aren’t close enough to the person to have known their decision-making process. So shut up unless they bring it up. If you do feel close to the person but, in this case, don’t have a chance to see them in the off-season, perhaps a “you seem great!” or some other benign but semi-leading phrase is appropriate. That way, they can answer with a “yep—I’m feeling good” (ie. STFU and MYOB!) or, if they’re happy you noticed maybe you get a “Thank you! Yes, ‘Zempy is the miracle everyone says it is” (ie. ask me more!).

Anyone have any personal experience with this modern-day compliment / shut up conundrum? Do you have gentle advice? Uninformed opinions? Vitriolic hatemail for me? My Inbox, at LZSundayPaper@gmail.com, is ready for your thoughts as well as any stories for next weekk’s newsletter that you think I may have missed.

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Continued Happy Pride Month!