The "Performance Review" Edition

Jul 16, 2023

Happy mid-July, Subscribers—

I’m taking a page out of my old GE (when they owned me/us at NBC) management playbook and doing a top-to-bottom review of my employees. And by “employees” I mean “clothes.” And I’m getting rid of my under-performers using the Jack Welch “there’s always a bottom 10%, every year, get rid of them” theory of human resources/management.

We also were trained to use a “9-Block” tool to assess said employees. Ours didn’t have this kind of descriptive language—it was more like “low performer” and “moderate potential.” Whatever the boxes said, I never really thought about it in terms of objects, but the same rules apply, I think:

Starting at the bottom— we all know about “Bad Hires.” We got crazy in the dressing room, or it seemed like a good idea late at night clicking on “Confirm Purchase,” but we got the thing home and it just. never. worked. Get rid of ‘em. You have not one thing to add to my team and in fact you bring the whole division down.,

A subtle distinction between Up or Out Grinders vs. Workhorses? IMO the Workhorses stay. They don’t have the status of a “Core Player,” to be sure, but they’ll do for another year. The Grinders are frayed, stained, or generally ill-fitting. Out.

I’m not sure what an “Up or Out Dilemma” is. In my case it’s more like Down or Out. A Downgrade to the beach house closet (where clothes go to die, but never actually seem to) is always a fine addition to my already overloaded rag-basket of a wardrobe at the beach.

Next area for culling has got to be the Dysfunctional Geniuses. The event dress that will literally never be worn again (I’m looking at you, Missoni gown). The ultra-patterned Etro silk shirt that screams “put me under your Armani powersuit (that I will never wear again)”? The vintage ‘80’s top that looks good on other people, in editorial spreads but just…no. You all might be destined for The Real Real or high-end Church Thrift Store. You will make another employer, I mean owner, very happy and you could become a High Performer for her!

Stars? I’m keeping all of you. You are my most reliable compliment-getters. Thank you!

Finally— “High Potentials.” I fear for your next review. You are the ones who are always *going to be* perfect to wear to something and just never are. You are subject to the “if you haven’t been worn in a year, you are brushing up your ThreadUp profile.” I will give you a generous exit package and wrap you in a nice garment bag rather than your closet-mates who get shunted off to Goodwill in a Fresh Direct bag.

Every week, I eliminate the bottom 99.99% of the crap that is served to you as “news” and give you only the best, in The LZ Sunday Paper. It’s the week’s High Performers, with a dash of Dysfunctional Genius news by, for, and about women, delivered straight to your inbox. Politics, Pop Culture and everything in between.

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See you next week, or actually maybe I won’t, as I am playing in a Mixed Doubles tournament. With someone I’ve literally never played with. Weird, right?

I hope I am not an under-performer!