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The "Two In A Row" Edition
I’d love to dish some other dish, but this week I’ve got customer service on my mind.
Yes, I’ve got to run to the Genius Bar. I do not look forward to the stiflingly hot Apple Store on Prince Street nor the finally-showing-its-age, formerly gleaming floating staircase. Most of all, I dread being greeted by a phalanx of iPad-clutching, identical blue-shirt-wearing, unbelievably/creeplily/unfailingly chipper, nice, polite, and almost universally frustrating Apple Store employees. Before we go any further. I know! They are good people doing good jobs and I salute them. But not when I’m face to face with them and those darn iPads. And those blue shirts. And those unflagging smiles.
Surely, they could never check the “I am not a robot” box on any online submission form. In the hiring process, do they have to pass a personality profile test—obviously one I could never pass? Is there some sort of corporate limit imposed on how many times they are allowed to say “AWESOME!” in response to things I say that are along the lines of “hi, my computer randomly shuts down and reboots” or “yes I do hope you can help me—I thought Apple agreed to replace these faulty butterfly keyboards because you admitted they break all the time” or “yes, I am having an issue I hope you can help me with: two of the four ports on this super-expensive 4-way charger that I bought yesterday don’t work.”
“Awesome! Let me take a look!”
I prefer customer service people who jump over to the other side and become my advocate, even if it’s just to placate me. It’s like they are hellbent on solving my problem as if their day job is at The Innocence Project and getting me an exit row seat is their other mission in life.
I really am running late for my Genius Bar appointment, so I will spare you the other multi-week drama of trying to return my defective, more-expensive-than-it-should-have-been Uniqlo cashmere schmatta.
I did learn a couple of things.
One: really, really nice but ultimately only moderately helpful robot folks in identical blue t-shirts are better than somewhat sadder non-robot folks who are active blockers to customer satisfaction.
Two: I did not get full credit for my defective sweater but I did learn, painstakingly, the difference between a “store credit” and a “customer coupon” and that is a lesson I shall never forget.
For now, here is an LZ Sunday Paper store credit for the most important news of the week: Politics, Business, Health, Pop Culture, The Arts, Sports, and more.
If you aren’t already a subscriber, you should be.
If you have a story you think I may have missed or something to share with me, please still do, at LZSundayPaper@gmail.com.
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Hopefully me and my new keyboard will see you next week and it will take a lot less time to tip-tap all these letters out when most of the keys are actually working!
Hope the weather’s not too wild where you are…